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'You would be the perfect husband if you weren't such an insufferable cunt'
'Always be the bigger person. Absolutely fucking not!'
'Mum. I'm going to buy you a pot to piss in. Just so you can say you have one'
'Come in. Make yourself at home. Hurry up and fucking leave'
'How am I supposed to Live, Laugh, Love in these fucking conditions'
'My face has entered the conversation without my consent'
'You deserve a day that is as amazing as you are. So, fairly decent'
'I've learnt to accept people exactly as they are.'
'I'm looking for friends with benefits. Not on them'
'The older I get the less interested I am in pretending I'm pleased to see you'
'Happy 40th Birthday! Welcome to general decay'
'I'd love to stay and chat. (That's obviously a lie)'
'In a sudden flash of clarity and horror'
'Don't bite the hand that fingers you'
'You're 21! But in washing machine minutes'
'Maybe the day had a shitty you'
'I'm not old. I've just had loads of Birthdays. Greedy.'
'All women want is a £10 Iced Coffee and a little kiss on the forehead'
'"...hanging by a thread..." your hairline'
'I'm becoming the best version of myself '
'ChatGPT said that you're a prick'
'Don't tell me to act my age. I've never been this fucking age before'
'What do you look for in a friendship?'
'Life is short. So is my fucking attention span'
'I always wake up full of gratitude. Then I remember eew people'
'What turns you on? Competence. Filthy fucking competence'
'Age has taught me patience. People have taught me it's fucking limits'
'What's the first thing you notice about someone?'
'I have big plans. Quite ambitious for someone lying down'
'I am perfectly capable of being articulate. Cunt is just much quicker'
'I am learning to trust my instincts'
'I used to really like you. That was fucking optimistic'
'I've made peace with the past. It can still fuck off though'
'I don't have anything against stupid people.'
'Family. Because apparently blocking everyone makes Christmas tricky'
'I've stopped expecting people to have common sense'
'Practice random acts of kindness today'
'People say I'm hard to read. Good. I'm not a fucking book'
'I have absolutely no problem admitting when I'm wrong. ...I imagine'
'I'm not negative. I'm accurately fucking underwhelmed'
'ChatGPT said your Mum is a slag'
'What do you do for a living? I do my best Sue. I do my best'
'Some people bring joy wherever they go. Some whenever they go'
'...has seen better days..." Your face'
'If you need a problem I'm right fucking here'
'I'd answer the phone after 9pm for you'
'I'm a fucking lovely person. This is just testing'
'Menopause. All the hormones of puberty. None of the skin elasticity'
'Of all the shit I've found on the internet. You are my fucking favourite'
'Due to personal reasons. Fuck this shit'
'I love surprises. Not visitors. Fuck off!'
'I bent down to pick something up. Anyway I live here now'
'I'd choose you again. Which raises fucking concerns'
'I've learnt that not every thought needs to be said out loud.'
